Prison Bars and Past Wounds
by sonnetStar
Summary: What if the BAU team wasn't the only one looking for Mr. Scratch in order to save Spencer. There was someone else too, from a part of Spencer's life he often wished to forget if only to forget the pain it causes. Someone who once hurt the genius, and now wishes to make things right, no matter what the price. (The romance is subtle - the "squint and you'll see it" kind of subtle)
1. Chapter 1: Prison Bar and Past Wounds

**A/N: So this is my first fanfiction work. I obviously don't own HP or CM!**

 **I wrote much of this piece on my iPod around midnight when creativity struck while I was supposed to study for exams! So there will probably be plot holes and loose ends - mostly because I'm not decided on whether I want it to be a oneshot or multichapter thing! Although my mind is currently ruled by the APA because even though I was writing for pleasure, my first instinct was Size 12, Times New Roman :P**

 **I would like your feedback but be gentle dear readers.**

He woke up suddenly, eyes looking wildly around the small space. By the time he relaxed, another scare was ready for him in the form of a shadow moving in the dark.

Slowly, as his eyes focused, he noticed the dim light emanating from the corner and as the shadow moved forward, he finally saw that it was a person.

"Wha….How?" This was all he could utter in his shocked state.

"Spencer" His name called out as a mere sigh was all that he got back. But it was enough to kick his tired brain into gear.

"Hermione! What are you doing here? HOW did you even get in?"

"Shhhh..wake up everyone, will you!" hissed Hermione, even as she waved her hand. He could feel her magic, like a tingle up his spine, even though she didn't say the spell out loud, nor could he see anything.

For a moment there was absolute silence. Both figures waiting to see if anyone else had heard the slight commotion.

A deep breath and Hermione moved forward and down on her knees to look her oldest friend in the eyes, "Diana told me what happened. Well I called her first to check up on her, but then the caretaker told me she was freaked out but I guess she calmed down when she heard my name 'cause next thing I know I'm hearing you're in jail for MURDER?"

Spencer, who'd opened his mouth to ask a question of his own, wisely shut it as she continued.

"And at first I thought this was an April fools prank but a) its not April and b) your Mum's sense of humour is much better than this!"

"But why are you here?" was all Spencer could think and so he asked her just that.

"Because You're in here! Damnit Newton, I could've helped you! I could've gotten you out. I still can! You should've told me!"

The worry and hurt in her voice worked very well to bring out his own. Although a calm person by nature, his anger and pain exploded out of him.

"Told you? You made it very clear who you do and don't care about Hermione and I was firmly in the latter. Your actions have assured me of that. So NO! I didn't tell you and I wouldn't have told you! We haven't spoken in years for fucks sake!"

There was no response that she could come up with. The last time she had seen Spencer so angry was also the last time they'd had a full conversation. Granted it did end with a shouting match and storming out by both parties involved.

Guilt and pain was clear in her eyes, but Spencer's own emotions had currently blinded him to hers.

Ten years and it still feels too soon to be understanding, to forgive.

 _Deep breaths, and lets try this again,_ thought Hermione.

"Spencer, you're in jail!"

"I know."

"For murder and drug possession with intent to distribute."

"I know." This was accompanied by a raised eyebrow, his expression saying much more than these two measly words, something more to the lines of hurry up and lets get done with the recap so we can get to the big fat elephant. This did very little to help her temper in check.

"Well if you know, can you please put your damn pride and ego aside and fucking talk to me!"

"Pride! Really Mimi? Great! So if I hurt you, I'm a monster and its alright if you don't talk to me but when you're the one at fault and I do the same, it's my pride?"

"It is when the alternative is you rotting in a 2x2 cell for the rest of your life!"

…

No response. This silence from Spencer was getting on her last nerves. Despite this, a small part of her brain noticed that he called her Mimi again and filed away that piece of information for later examination.

"Please Spencer. Let me help you. I can get you out of here in a blink. You know this."

Still no reply from the man in front of her. His quietude was doing wonders for making Hermione all the more desperate to put her point across. She was aware of her past mistakes and the hurt she caused her friend. But she was trying to make things right now. Irrespective of that, she would never let anything like this happen to her Spencer, however he may or may not feel about her now. _He's not your Spencer anymore, he's not your anything anymore sweetheart,_ reminded her mind.

"I-I know I was wrong Spence. I **know**. And I'm so so sorry. I also know nothing can make that better. Nothing can take away your pain or what I did to you. But please let me help you now. Let me do this. I'm begging you. After this if you never wanna see me again I'll go away. You won't hear from me ever again. Just….just let me get you out of here. I know you don't wanna stay here. Please."

…..

"Please. Please say something at least."

"I can't."

"What?"

"I can't let you help me escape out of here."

"Spencer don't do—"

"It's not my pride Hermione."

"Then why would you ask me to leave you here."

"Because my team is doing everything to prove I'm innocent and get me out. They're giving their all to find Lewis and clear my name. I can't let all that go to waste by doing this. If I escape, it would say that I have something to hide, that I'm guilty. I would never be able to be an agent again. And I couldn't live with that. The BAU, being SSA Dr. Spencer Reid is all I've known. Its all I ever want to do. The BAU is where I belong. And I'd lose that completely if I run away."

"So what, you're gonna spend however long that takes in here hoping they'll be successful?" Disbelief was apparent in her voice. Spencer couldn't fault her for it, there were times he himself doubted he'd survive long enough for that. He knew he wasn't made for prison. But he also knew his team. He knew his family. He knew they'd never give up. And so he couldn't either. He said so to Hermione.

"I have to. They're my family. They'd never give up trying for me. I owe it to them to do the same."

Hermione looked down as all the strength that had been holding her up seemed to seep out of her as the realisation hit her that he would go through this torture, all because he had so much faith in his team, whom he clearly loved as his family. _There was a time when you were his family but you gave it up. Don't be bitter now,_ her brain told her.

Her eyes had filled up when she looked up at him. "So that's it. I just leave you here? How do I do that?"

"You've done it before. Easily." Came the reply. The words weren't angry or taunting. There was no scorn or even sarcasm. Just tiredness and a hint of bitterness that comes from old wounds. He felt guilty when he saw her flinch but made sure not to show it.

Hermione's voice was small when she replied "I'm sorry."

"So you've said. But it's not that easy Hermione."

"Spence.."

"It was never just about me, you know."

"What?"

"It was that you found this new world with people like you, who had your power, and suddenly there didn't seem to be any place for me or your parents anymore! And I get it, I do, how it feels like you've never belonged anywhere and then you finally find this place where you're not a freak or the weird one. Neither your parents and nor me would ever begrudge you that acceptance and belonging."

And suddenly Hermione was realising that she was so off the mark in understanding why her best friend since she was a little girl was hurt by her! He'd never before opened up about his anger, only lashing out. Now that he was starting to talk, she couldn't utter a word to him, only listen as he spoke.

"It was that we were replaced. All of us. You found Harry and Ronald and suddenly I wasn't there in your life anymore. But what hurt me more was that you left behind your parents dammit! I get that the Weasleys were like your family, they accepted you and you found people who you could look up to and they considered you as a daughter and vice versa. But you forgot that you did have parents back home. Parents who loved you unconditionally and were ready to stay away from their only child and The most important person in their lives just so you could find yourself and somewhere you belong. Did you think they were happy sending you away every year, knowing it was distancing you from them, that they could never be a part of that world? How easy do you think it was for them when the daughter they'd spent 9 months away from, wouldn't come home for Christmas and Easter year after year, preferring to stay back with her friends in school? That even when you came home for summers, you'd spend most of it over at the Weasleys? That they didn't hurt? But they did it anyways. All for you. And you very conveniently forgot about them. They tried so hard for you, expecting you to at least try to include them in your life but you'd just say they wouldn't understand because they didn't have magic, you'd never even give them the chance to be your damn parents because you had found Molly and Arthur Weasley! I wasn't hurt because you left me behind. I was hurt because you were so selfish that you didn't care what you were putting them through!"

It was like a bucketful of ice water had fallen on her. Spencer didn't mince his words and every sentence was a knife to her heart as she realised just how much she had destroyed her relationship with her parents, disregarded everything they had done for her. It broke something in her to hear from him how much she had fallen. As everything Spencer had said registered, she slowly started feeling like she couldn't breathe. Her guilt seemed to choke her and she was still frozen. It was this that softened Spencer, as her saw that Hermione was finally face to face with all she'd put them through.

The anguish was still there, but when his best friend, the first love of his life was breaking down in front of him, he finally hugged her to him. Because she would always be his best friend, the one who stayed up with him all night when Diana would have her bad days, who cursed for the first time when his father left him and his mom. He knew a part of him still loved her and will always love her. One does not get so hurt by just anyone. And one doesn't hold a grudge for a decade for just a friend.

He could feel her fight him back, and after all these years he realised he still understood her because he knew she felt undeserving of his comfort and care, but he gave it to her anyways.

He could feel his shirt soaking through as her tears ran unchecked. He slid down from his bed to the ground to hold her more easily as she sobbed in his arms, but he didn't say a word. He couldn't tell her it was alright because it wasn't, and he couldn't tell her he forgave her because he hadn't, but by just holding her in her arms he let her know that he was still there, despite everything.

"Do you make a habit of hugging people you hate? Is that one of the strategies you use on your suspects to break them?" Came the muffled voice from the woman in his arms.

Despite the serious situation, Spencer choked out a laugh at this.

"I don't hate you Mimi. I'm just hurt by you. I'd hardly be holding all this resentment for you if I hated you!"

"I-I'm sorry." There was a strangled laugh, without any humour really, that came from Hermione. "I seem to be saying this a lot. Funnily it doesn't feel enough. I know it isn't. But I'll work—"

"Hermione stop."

"No. You're right Spence. I was selfish. I left you all behind. And I got angry at mum and dad when they wouldn't tell me before going off on a holiday or some doctors beyond borders thing because then they wouldn't be there for some event I'd have but I never realised what I was doing! I just, I know I have to make a LOT of amends, a lot of wrongs to right. And right now I can't think of anything to do but beg and apologise until I come up with something I CAN do! But for now tell me how to help you Spence? You can't expect me to leave you here and just not do anything but sit and fucking wait! Give me something, anything."

"There's nothing to do Hermione. My team is working on finding Lewis, and when they do they can prove that I was drugged and I'm innocent."

"Who is this Lewis? You've mentioned him before. Is he some guy you put away?"

"Peter Lewis, or as the media called him, Mr Scratch was an unsub who drugged people with…" and so Spencer recounted the whole story behind Scratch and why the team believes he's the one behind framing him.

As he finished, Spencer was aware of a dangerous glint in Hermione's eyes, one that he knew meant she was preparing to destroy Lewis. Her words just confirmed this.

"I'm gonna find him Spence. I swear to you, I'll use every resource at my disposal but I will find this son of a bitch and he will pay! I can't get you out of this jail but I WILL get you out of this mess somehow, no matter what it takes. I know your team is doing their best and I will do too. You just stay strong."

Spencer couldn't help but smile. He recognised her fierceness and knew this quality in her never changed. This ruthlessness in protecting those she cared about was something she got from her mother. Mama Granger was a ball of love and affection but when her family is threatened, she could obliterate anyone in her way, and similar was her daughter. He was amazed that after ten years, he could still recognise this in Hermione.

"I will. I'm still hanging in there. I have to believe he will be caught. But Hermione, don't do this. You don't need to get involved. Lewis, he doesn't care who he harms as long as he gets to his targets. Don't get hurt."

"Spencer he won't get to me. I went through a war. I know how to be careful. Don't worry about me."

"You shouldn't have to be careful. Just- just take care of my mom and your parents, he goes after those close to us, he's already shown that."

"I'm not backing down. Our parents will be safe and I will be safe and so will you. The only person Not safe will be him when I find him. I need to do this Spence."

"Mimi, this is not your fight."

"It's mine as long as it's yours. I failed you once Spence, I won't this time. You'll get your life back. I promise."

"This is totally ridiculous. Ugghhh! I can't talk you out of this can I?"

"Nope."

"Just be safe. I have yet to forgive you and I won't be doing that if you're dead."

…..

There was no sharp retort to this, and so he looked down on Hermione to see what she was thinking. Before he could ask her anything she spoke. "You've changed so much. You-you're much more at ease and comfortable with yourself, despite where you are right now. It's good to see you at peace with who you are." She finished with a soft smile on her face, one hand stroking his cheek.

They both turned bashful when they realised this closeness but didn't move away, instead leaning closer. A soft touch of his lips to her hairline was all that happened, but it was as significant as any passionate kiss. But that was how their relationship had always been - silent as sleep and as vivid as dreams, passionate like a fire and calming like a breeze on an Indian summer evening.

It is a dichotomy of contradictions.

It was a reflection of how they both were as a person - silent, private, often appearing unattached due to rational thinking, but also feeling so much and so intensely.

Hermione knew there was a long way to go to mend their relationship. Forgiveness has to be earned. But she was willing to work and could see that Spencer was not turning her away. Slowly she felt the peace settle in her heart, although the guilt remained.

Spencer too felt more settled. It felt good to be able to say what had hurt him and have Hermione finally realise her mistakes. It didn't change the past but with the experience from his work, if there's one thing he has learned, it's that there is too much evil in this world to hang on to the mistakes of everyone over their heads, especially when they are repentant. He knew his tendency to not confront the main issue had lead to them not talking to each other for over ten years, but he was tired of all the hate and resentment. He was ready to give her a chance as it was clear she was willing to go to great lengths to make things right and he had missed her.

It was hardly the best timing for all of this, but he still went to sleep that night with a small smile on his face.


	2. Chapter 2: In the Wake of the Storm

**_A/N: This is the sequal to Prison Bar and Past Wounds. This one is set after Spencer and his team has saved Diana._**

 ** _I obviously don't own HP or CM!_**

 ** _As I firmly believe for all writers, this is my personal version of how things go and I can't guarantee it will be agreed on by everyone. Once again, I would like your feedback but be gentle dear readers._**

 ** _PS - To all the reviewers, especially the guest reviewers whom I can't send a PM to - Thankyou! I didn't expect much when I posted this story and so to get a response is simply overwhelming._**

* * *

He knew Hermione was there, hidden in the shadows, aware of his team surrounding him, all equally tired but exhilarated by exonerating him, saving Diana and brining you both home. He chanced a look in her direction, and saw her pointing to the keys of his apartment, conveying to him that she'd meet him there. A small nod of his head and she was gone, giving him the time to reassure himself and his team that they are all safe and together for now - that they won this battle.

He held his mom in his arms, afraid that letting her go meant losing her again. The terror he'd been feeling from the moment Lindsey Vaughn had walked away with his mother in tow to when Hermione sent him the message saying she'd found them and was keeping an eye on both his mom and Lindsey, was something he had never felt before - and he had almost 14 years of experience with the BAU under his belt.

It went against every instinct in him to not ask her bring her right back home, him and Hermione both not wanting to have her using magic to save Diana leading to a botched up case against both women.

He could still remember the break in his mother's voice as she apologised to him again and again about his incarceration being her fault, no matter how much he tried to tell her otherwise.

Rationally he understood her reaction and wanted to help her understand that he did what he did because he loved her, to stop her from blaming herself for something that was out of her control, something that he would go through again and again, because she was his mom and it would be worth it if it helped her even a little bit. Emotionally he wanted to regress to the little boy who could rest his head in his mother's lap, because he felt so bone weary and this was the only thing that could soothe him.

Slowly the rest of his team also retreated, wanting to give them both the privacy, or at least the semblance of it.

As he released his mother and looked at her, he saw the exhaustion on her face. Suddenly realising that she went through a lot in the last few hours too, he bid his team - no, his family goodbye and left with his mother.

* * *

Home.

Everything was the same - at the same time it wasn't. It would take some time for him to get used to the freedom of being able to open and close doors, no longer needing to wait for a guard, no longer stuck to a small cell. It felt like he had been living in a nightmare - a nightmare that went on for three months too long.

...

Finally he was settled on his sofa, after making sure his mother was comfortable, in her bed, sleeping.

He was just trying to figure out what to do next, part of him disappointed at not finding Hermione waiting for him, when he heard the sound of a lock opening, and then she was there, in front of him.

No matter what had happened all those years ago, he followed his instincts and hugged her crushingly, not wanting to let go of her. It didn't seem to matter to her, as she was holding him just as tight, the reality of almost having lost him heavy in her heart and mind.

Everything that had happened to him until now, all the stress due to his mother's illness, the trips to Mexico, the last three months, his mother being taken away from him, the fear of not knowing where or how his mother was and then the face off with Cat - all of it caught up to him in that moment and he let go, safe in the arms of the one person who he never had to hide himself from.

The reversal in their roles was not lost on them, remembering that time when it was Hermione who broke down, and Spencer was the one providing comfort.

Today she was his anchor, and he let himself feel all the pain, fear, doubt and terror that he had been trying to suppress the last three months, wanting to only survive till he was proven innocent. His tears ran freely, unchecked as his body shook with the repressed emotions finally being released after so long.

Time became irrelevant as the two of them stood there in the middle of his living room, as his sobs turned to silent crying and finally only the sound of his tears and her voice was heard.

Vaguely he was aware of her murmuring to him, running her hand through his hair. The other was clutching his shirt, afraid to let go.

As he focused on the sound of her voice, he realised she wasn't shushing him, but encouraging him to let it all out.

Once he had stopped, they both moved to the couch, their hands almost intertwined with each other. All was silent between them for a while, the two of them simply enjoying the other's company.

Neither of them had forgotten the crux of their conversation the first time Hermione visited him in the jail, but she was trying to earn their trust, bridge back the gap, and he could appreciate that. Both were aware that it was going to take time - time he was willing to give.

* * *

Hermione was brought back to the moment as she felt Spencer lift their hands, and place a kiss on the back of her palms.  
"Thank you", he said, his lips still pressed to her hands "for keeping her safe".

A scoff escaped her lips as she heard this. "I didn't. She was taken by that bitch while I was supposed to look after her. She killed Cassie too. All the while I was running around trying to find a man who in the end wasn't even involved in this. It's my fault she had to go through this. I should've been more careful. Maybe if I'd put up stronger wards they wouldn't have gotten to her. I should've been here with her - I could've stopped her dammit!"

"Hey hey hey! Hermione no! Nobody could've stopped her because nobody knew! The only reason you were chasing the wrong man was BECAUSE I gave you the wrong information! We all thought it was Scratch and so that's what I told you. Cat had planned everything down to the last detail - she had access to my file. She knew everything about me, everything that was written down in any file in our system! You can't blame yourself for this".

Before she had a chance to contradict him, he continued, "And you did keep her safe. You put that tracking spell on her even when you didn't know Lindsey was targeting her. The moment you realised she was gone you found her! You knew you couldn't take her away from that cabin and so you made sure she was not hurt in any way." Spencer took a breath, and she could hear it was shaky - showing how much affected he still was. "Hermione, if I hadn't known that she was safe even if still captive by Lindsey, I don't know if I would have been able to face Cat and not done something I would regret for the rest of my life! You kept my sanity intact too. So don't you dare think you didn't do anything right. Hell, you had no way of knowing about Cat or that there was a partner involved."

"but-"

"No anything. You- you did the best you could do! You have to believe that"

"I jus- I feel so useless right now! I'm a witch Spence! The brightest of my age - they call me. And all I could do was ensure that that damn bomb wouldn't go off and give Diana a freaking calming draught! What's the use of- of all this power? All my promises and it came down to this!"

Spencer was shaking his head even as she finished speaking. "Hermione any skill can only be utilised with the right information. You can't solve a problem you don't know exists! Tell me, what should you have done? You were trying to find the man that you were told was behind all this. And you told me you have made headway on that. You kept an eye on my mom and put a tracking spell on her, which by the way did come to use! You found her half an hour after you realised she was gone. The only reason it took so long to find her was because I waited in telling you. What more could you do? You knew this had to play out - using magic to do anything would only bring up questions no one could answer. Which, by the way, would've ruined any case we would've built against them. This was it. This was Enough. Please believe that".

There was silence for a few seconds, and then -

"I can understand what you're saying up here-" Hermione said, pointing to her head, "but I just feel like I failed her and you, here." she continued, putting a hand to her heart.

Before Spencer could start again about her having done all she could she said, "But forget about that. Are you okay? I know it couldn't have been easy going to see that woman in jail, right as you got out of prison! And I also know you stabbed yourself to get to solitary. What the hell were you thinking? I mean seriously Spencer! Did you even think how wrong that stunt could've gone? I almost stormed in there to give you a piece of my mind then heal your moronic self!"

And suddenly, the gloomy spell was broken by the sounds of Spencer's chuckles, her whiplash of a subject change and her twisted priorities too much for him to take. He'd tried to smother his laughter, but at one point he just lost his control.

After he'd calmed himself down, ignoring the red face of his friend and her huffing, he spoke.

"It was a small stab wound Hermione!"

This apparently was the wrong thing to say, as he saw her expression become even more angry.

"Sma-small stab wound! There is no such thing as a small stab wound, you idiot!" The word 'small' was said with apparent disdain for his choice of terminology.

Spencer continued, occasional chortles still present, "Okay, so it was a stab wound, but it was not that deep. I didn't go in there guns-a-blazing. The team had exhausted all the ways of getting me to solitary & this was the only one left. I'd considered all the probable outcomes and I made sure to put the plan in action with all the variables in mind so as to have as much control as possible. The were enough guards to ensure it wouldn't have gone out of hand".

"Still".

"Hermione".

"uh-uh".

"It's over. I didn't get too badly hurt. In fact I've had worse while in the field".

"Not helping, really".

"The point is I'm home, safe. Mom is safe. I'm no longer accused of things I didn't do. Let's focus on that for a while please. Please Hermione."

 _Damn him, damn his common sense and double damn his puppy dog eyes - they should be criminal. No longer allowed to be used on people to break their strong will_ , thought Hermione. _But you'd want these eyes only for yourself and no one else either_ , said a part of her. Shaking her head in attempt to shake off her, in her opinion, inappropriate and ill-timed thoughts, she looked into his eyes, finding a smile creeping up on her face automatically.

Smiling in his presence always came as easy as breathing to her, she remembered. In fact just being with him had always been easy, effortless. Small realisations like this always make her feel more guilty for how she's hurt him. But she'd be damned if she let this chance go.

Humoring him, she asked what he wanted to focus on. His reply was quite surprising.

"How are Hugh and Isla? I haven't spoken to them for so long, I don't even know where they are! Are they still practising in London? Or travelling on a vacation somewhere?"

"Mum & Dad are well, if not a little pissed at you for not telling them about what's been happening with your mom and then the whole jail business. Obviously they are also quite worried about you. It was all I could do to stop them from getting on a jet and flying straight down here when they found out!"

"They know? How? I mean I...wait you told them didn't you? What the hell Hermione! Why did you do that?"

"Of course I told them! I went to see them first thing after my first visit to you. After the crying spell here, I shed a river there with them too. It was not easy, let me tell you! They kept saying I didn't have to do this and that they understood. And I was like of course I do! I have to apologise and make up for it all. Obviously it was not okay! And I may have mentioned you and my visit to them. And then they asked me about you and I, well, I sort of hesitated. And you know mum. She has this crazy spidey sense about secrets and she just knew something was wrong, and that woman does not stop when she puts her mind to it and so she got me to fold. And then we were both crying and dad was also upset and then they started discussing about hiring a jet because last minute flight tickets are a bitch and it took me more time convince them to stay back than it did to apologise. Apparently they love you more."

The end of her monologue was accompanied by a huff, which worked very well to absolve Spencer's anger at her. He, of course, understood very well how terrifying it can be going against Isla Granger in trying to hide something from her. She is absolutely relentless and knows exactly when something is wrong.

"You know that's not true. And how did you even manage to stop them? That's the real question here! I mean your mom is-"

"I know how she is, thank you very much. I mean, she would just not understand that it was simply not safe for her to be here, especially what with Peter Lewis on the loose and not to mention, I knew you wouldn't want them to see you like that but she just wouldn't budge. Dad's obviously no help because he's as scared of her as anyone!"

"With good reason", exclaimed Spencer.

"But he's been married to her for almost forty years! You'd think he'd have learned how to get her to listen to reason at least!"

Her remark had him chortling again, the image of a tiny Hugh Granger cowering in front of an Amazonian Isla Granger coming to his mind.

"Why are you laughing? This is not funny!" Hermione said.

"It- It is!" he replied amid his laughter, telling her about the vision in his head. At this he was joined by Hermione, both of them losing control but trying in vain to keep the noise to a minimum.

For a while the living room was filled with the sound of their joy - free and unbound, with no fear of anything.

Hermione looked at him, noticing the play of lights and shadows on his face and the echo of their laughter, still visible in his shining eyes. It was a relief to her, seeing this shine which had been missing the last time she visited him in prison.

"I umm, I missed you, you know. And I'm so glad you're out! I just, I really missed you."

"Hermione, I-"

"It's okay! I just wanted you to know. That's all. That I'm trying."

"I know you are. And I missed you too."

Hermione, who had been looking down in her lap while saying all of this, looked up at him on hearing this. Spencer's face held a fond expression, the closest she'd seen since years ago. She felt a huge weight lift off of her and at the same time her heart beat just that much faster, their proximity brought to her notice as she realised both of them were leaning towards each other, moving closer slowly.

The moment was broken by the sound of Spencer's mobile going off, the happy tune letting him know it was Garcia. A sigh escaped both their lips as Spencer picked up the phone, his eyes still fixed to Hermione's.

"Yeah Garcia".

"uh-hmm. Yeah we both got here fine. Mom's resting now".

A slight chuckle, and "Yeah I'm tired too. Obviously. I was just about to- no I mean-What is it Garcia? I know you're running around what you really wanted to talk about".

"No I'm tired but I don't really feel like sleeping now, or going out or anything".

"No I don't have any plans. Seriously, what is this about?"

"What? Morgan knows? How? Who told him? Well then how does he...Wha-What do you mean he'll explain? You mean he's coming over?"

"But Garc-"

Hermione had to bite her lip to stop from laughing at the perplexed expression on his face right now. She didn't have to use a spell to know what he was thinking, which was somewhere along the lines of What the hell just happened?

Spencer was still looking at his phone in confusion and Hermione cleared her throat to bring back his attention. All it did was get a verbal response, his eyes still downcast.

"She hung up on me! Didn't even explain what she was saying and just said that Derek is coming over an-and I don't know what is happening?"

"I'm pretty sure it means exactly that Spence! That Derek is coming to see you. It is after all something that friends do, you know!" choked out Hermione between her giggles. But as it dawned on her what his friend coming over meant, she sobered up and turned to face her friend.

"Well, I guess it's time for me to head out then."

"What no! Why do you have to leave? You can stay. Actually, you should stay. Mom would also want to see you when she wakes."

"Spence—"

"And I want you to stay too".

At this she had to smile as her melted even more for her dear friend, if that was even possible. "It's not like I'm flying back to London now is it? Besides how do you plan to explain my presence to your friend? As I recall he's someone very close to you and you didn't even tell him about you being in prison and he suddenly comes over and finds out I did knew? Someone you haven't seen in ten odd years?"

But Spencer was shaking his head, an argument on his lips just as a knock sounded in his apartment.

"Jus-just stay here okay."

And before Hermione could say anything, he left to open the door.

* * *

Words weren't spoken between the two men, who just looked at each other.

Derek Morgan pulled his friend, his brother into a rough hug muttering "Hey kid" as he went.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there for you" he continued.

"Not really your fault was it" came Spencer's muffled reply.

As Morgan released him, he said, "We're gonna have to talk about that!" continuing to walk into Reid's home.

Spencer knew he'd come across Hermione because he heard the sudden stop in his steps and a sharp intake of breath.

He followed his friend into the living room to see both his friends facing each other, not really saying anything.

Derek Morgan was surprised, but years facing down the worst of humanity has taught him to hide his reactions well. Despite that, those who really knew him could detect the slight widening of his eyes and the hint of a raised eyebrow, and understand his surprise and curiosity both.

For Spencer, introducing Hermione to his friends was more than just a spontaneous act. It was a declaration to her that she will not he the only one working on repairing their relationship, he has a part to play as well, and he has no intention to let her go through this alone.

With this thought in mind, he took a deep breath and turned to his former teammate.

"Derek, this is Hermione Granger. She's a really old friend of mine. Kinda from childhood really."


	3. Chapter 3: Upended & Rerooted

**_A/N:_**

 _Wow! (Hiding myself behind random things as I submit this chapter!)_

 _I know this chapter is coming in almost a year after the last update, but honestly a Lot of life was happening, and not much of it was necessarily good. I'm planning to apply abroad for my PhD, so seriously, this chapter is just me procrastinating with my application related work._

 _Of course its just my luck that when I really need to work on something, I get over my writer's block and spit out an 11 page chapter!_

 _Let's all pray that the next chapter doesn't take a year again!_

 _PS - did anyone see the premiere of season 14? Don't you just love GarciaxReid friendship moments!?_

 _Read and **Review** guys! ( **It's really motivating when you get that email notifying you of a review, makes one feel like what they've worked on has been appreciated**. Also, you can PM me? I love discussing ideas and stuff!) You can do both. I'm not picky! :P If I sound loony, its because I've been up for a long time! _

* * *

Six hours.

Five hours, forty nine minutes and fifty four seconds to be precise.

It has been a complete agony for Spencer Reid to sit in that waiting room, eyes set on the corridor for the surgeon or the doctors or anyone really, to show up and give them some news.

He looked as agitated as he felt, shown in the way his shirt was half untucked and crumpled, the topmost and bottom button unbuttoned, and his hair a disheveled mess, a clear hint that he'd been running his hand through them repeatedly.

Morgan hadn't been able to spend much time with him and Hermione, despite the healthy length of questions Spencer knew were circling in his mind. He'd had an early flight and a wife and his son waiting for him at home, leaving him with just enough time to swing by with breakfast and check up on his friend and Mrs. Reid.

Of course, a time restraint could never get in the way of him teasing Spencer, but he could only learn a little about the two old friends' history, and not very much about why she was never seen or even mentioned by the good doctor.

It hadn't been more than thirty minutes later that Spencer got another call from Garcia, sounding terrified and shaken, as she informed him of the accident his team had been in, and the knowledge that Penelope had been with them on the phone when it happened made something ache within his chest.

Penelope Garcia has been and always will be the sweetest person he has ever known, someone who would do everything to help someone, and go above and beyond for her loved ones. It wasn't fair that someone so pure should experience so much darkness in her life.

Months of the hopelessness experienced in the prison caused him to freeze when he heard Garcia's words. It was Hermione who made him sit down and calmed him. It took her a few minutes to get Spencer out of the shocked state and to tell her what had happened. In bits and pieces, small fragmented sentences, he explained to her about how his team was following a lead on Mr Scratch, who set a trap that caused the two SUVs to collide with an oncoming truck. It was an angry and broken voice which told her that SSA Stephen Walker had died on impact due to whiplash and that Agent Prentiss had been abducted by Scratch. Others bore cuts and bruises, but everyone was putting their everything into hunting down Lewis and finding Emily as soon as possible, burying the pain of losing Walker, holding on to the anger instead, letting it push them forward into finally ending this.

It had been a hit to Hermione as well, finding out about the state of his team. She'd come to learn much about them from Spencer, the bond that each of them shared with each other, as close and real a family as any, even if an unconventional one.

She'd apparated with Spencer to the nearest empty alley near the hospital whose name Garcia had given him, enquiring about them at the reception, leading him by hand through the corridors to the waiting area. She'd left in a little while, wanting to give him time and his space to be with his team.

It has been hours since then, and Spencer Reid's mind was a dichotomy of being frozen and whirring at super speed. Waiting on news of his his teammates and any new development regarding Emily was a form of agony he decided he could live without.

—

He was dead.

Peter lewis was dead.

He shouldn't be feeling like this. The loss of human life shouldn't make him feel glad. Never in his life has he ever felt positive emotions at the end of a life - any life. Twelve years at this job, and every time anyone died - even the darkest of unsubs, he had felt the sadness for the loss of a life.

And then today marked the first.

Is this who he was now? Was this how prison had changed him? That he felt happy that someone is dead? Was what Kat had said true? Was she right, after all?

Or was this job finally affecting him? Was he jaded now, as Gideon had become? Was now the time for him to step back and step down?

He remembers his anger in the briefing room - he remembers the shock in Matt Simmons' eyes and the surprise and fear in Garcia's.

He knew he had scared her but hadn't been able to help himself in that moment. There was so much frustration and helplessness in that room - much of it he imagines to be his. These were emotions he has experience before - with the job he has, the things they see and the darkness they chase - he has felt them many times in his life.

 _But this time was different wasn't it?_ There was a violence in him that was new - even at the height of his addiction, he has never been a man with violent instincts - he had never lost control over himself in that way. But at that moment, in that room he did.

And even before that, he realises with horror, his actions in that interrogation room with Kat - was that him? How could he do that? How could he justify raising his hands on a woman - irrespective of what she had said or done? His boundaries have always been crystal, certain lines drawn that couldn't be crossed - which he had blatantly ignored. There were things he has never believed in, beliefs he had been sure wouldn't ever change. But had they? Was he feeling any remorse for his behaviour? He had to, right?

Kat couldn't be right, could she? Because if she was correct, and he is this twisted person now - then it'll turn out she won after all! It wouldn't matter if he was exonerated and free from that prison, or that Kat Adams doesn't know how he felt about Scratch's death. He will know - and will he be able to live with himself? Can he look himself in the mirror and not see the monster she said he was? Can he stand tall and hold his head high, ever again?

Could 3 months in a prison have changed who he was as a person? Were the very fundamental aspects of his personality formed in the 35 years of his life so easily distorted be a few months making the tough choices?

Personality is dynamic, he remembers from his psychology class. It is constantly changing and updating and evolving. But isn't it also stable? The very core of who you are as a person? Evolving, and switching to the opposite extreme aren't the same thing are they? That is not supposed to happen. Not without a severe traumatic experience or experiences. _But you did go through trauma, months of it. If anyone should be flipping his personality, it should be you!_

He was pacing now. Walking across the length of his apartment in a jerky and harried manner as his thoughts ran off faster than he could handle.

Too much - it was too much and too fast and too heavy. He felt like he couldn't breathe, and a part of him felt like he shouldn't, not after what he was changing into. Monsters shouldn't roam the earth freely with the innocents, monsters aren't supposed to win.

 _And that's what you are - a monster_. A voice in his head whispered. He wanted to deny it, but how could he, when he had done what he had?

And this was how Hermione found him - pacing in his living room, his hand running through his hair, almost pulling at it.

There was anguish in his eyes that scared her. Scared her of what the aftermath of this whole fiasco has brought, because even in prison and during their time in his apartment previously, before they got the news of the accident, this anguish wasn't present. This distraught man was bringing her to her knees and she didn't even know what was wrong.

"Spencer" she called out to him. He jerked around in surprise, stopping in his place.

He was the deer in the headlights, frightened and ready to bolt. She took one small step towards him, a hand reaching out. The reaction was instantaneous. He moved backwards, away from her, and there was a sharp intake of breath on both sides of the room. Confusion in one pair of eyes, self-loathing in the other.

"What's wrong?" On not getting any response from him, she inquired further, "is Agent Prentiss okay? I mean as okay as she can be, given the circumstances! Was anyone hurt - well more hurt? And Scratch, did you get him? You did get him didn't you? 'cause I don't think any of you would've gone home if you hadn't. Seriously now Spence, what happened? Are you more hurt? Fuck! You're scaring me now - WHAT happened?" Her voice broke on that last word, and it seemed bring him out of his thoughts and back to the moment. He took a deep breath, and opened his mouth to answer her but nothing came out. He looked so agitated and upset by himself, she could feel it all the way across the hall.

 _Time for a judgement call_ , she thought. Nodding to herself, Hermione moved forward towards Spencer, this time not stopping even when he seemed to resist contact.

Stopping right in front of him, so close she could feel his breath on her face, she looked up at him. He was breathing quickly now, almost at the end of his self-control, reaching the breaking point of his emotions.

"What's wrong?" She tried again, speaking softly to him, letting him know that she's there, that she'll always be there.

That was all it took.

She was pulled into his arms, being help by him so strongly that for the next few moments the only people in existence were them, and no one else.

In the millisecond that her surprise faded, she hugged him back. He wasn't crying, no. But he was shaking so strongly that she could feel how hard he was trying not to break down into pieces right at that moment.

Her alarm was rapidly turning into concern, and it took all her self-control not to force him to speak right at that second, knowing he needed these moments.

Gradually, his tremors slowed down enough that he regained control of himself and seated them down on his sofa.

"Well this feels like a repeat of our reunion right after I came out of the prison, doesn't it?" His feeble attempt at humour fell flat against the worry reflected in Hermione's eyes, as did his smile.

A small, tired sigh escaped his lips, as he bent his head backwards. Still staring at his ceiling he said, "It's over now. It's - we caught him. Peter Lewis is dead. And, umm..Emily is fine. Physically. A little banged up, definitely, but fine. Emotionally, I think we're all messed up right now. And I guess we'll be that way for some time. He - Scratch made Emily believe her legs were gone, and he tried to manipulate her into giving up the location of Hotch and his son, but she - she's strong. She didn't give in, and we caught him. No one else was hurt. And I'm fine. I wasn't hurt so I'm okay. Its done now."

While Hermione internally sighed with relief on hearing this, it didn't really give her the peace of mind that she needed. There were still questions that needed to be answered. And things Spencer needed to get off his chest before he could begin healing.

"But are YOU okay? And I don't mean physically. I can see you weren't injured. I'm talking emotionally. I know you said you're all messed up a little right now. But I think something bigger is troubling you. I can see it. I just don't know what it is. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I'm fine. Just upset about these last few days and Agent Walker's death. Thats all."

Bullshit. "Spencer, you backed away from me when I first came in. You were literally trembling in my arms right now - and I can see the anguish and hatred in your eyes - and its aimed at yourself. So clearly, something else is going on here."

He opened his mouth to argue, "Its not -" but she interrupted him.

"Look, you can say you don't want to talk about it. I'll accept that. But don't lie and say its nothing. I know how you don't like leaning on others, but you're smart enough and experienced enough to know that keeping everything in leads to an explosion. So just know this. I'm here. I'll listen. I've been through trauma too. I've been through a war. I can make pretty accurate guesses as to how you're feeling and what you're thinking about yourself right now. I can also tell you that only you can change what you think of yourself. No one else can do that for you. I wish I could, but I can't. I will be here with you now, though, every step of the way."

Somehow her words had the opposite effect from the expected, and it seemed to confirm what Hermione had feared. Spencer was frightened of who he thought he was becoming - and this thought process had to be stopped before it could go further, and he took a drastic measure. She started to speak up again when they were both alerted to someone knocking on his door. Turning towards the door, they both stood up at once, not sure who could it be.

As he walked to the door, Spencer gestured to Hermione to stay back. Of course, never being one to turn from danger, she continued forward, but stayed behind him just to appease him this once.

Cautiously, he looked through the peephole, and before Hermione could ask him who it was, he had already opened the door wide open and was stepping back to let the visitor in.

"Wha— Mom? Dad? WHAT are you guys doing here?" Cried out Hermione in surprise. For a second she was rooted in her place behind Spencer, and then she went ahead and pulled her parents into a hug. After releasing her, her mom moved towards Spencer and he found himself surrounded by such warmth and affection that he felt a lump in his throat.

"Oh my boy! Look at you - what have you been doing to yourself? And jail, Spencer? Prison? You couldn't make one phone call? Do you know how worried we've been? Well I have lost many nights of sleep since Hermione here told me what has happened, and maybe I'll finally sleep through the night now that I've seen you out of that horrible place!"

As Isla Granger stopped, the other three opened their mouths to speak simultaneously. Hugh Granger simply wished to remind his wife to at least enter Spencer's home properly before she begins her scolding. Hermione, unknowingly following her fathers thinking, wanted to ask her mother to not harangue Spence. And finally, Spencer himself tried to apologise to both of Hermione's parents for keeping them in the dark and worrying them.

Of course, none of them got the chance to do either, as Isla continued before they could get a word out.

"Are your team members okay, love? I know your probably hearing this question the millionth time, but you do consider them family so its important. And more pressingly, is Diana okay? She wasn't hurt was she? Oh she must be so worried and anxious, going through what she did! Where is she now? Is she resting? She must be."

"Yeah Isla, she is. Mom, she - ugh, she took her medicines and she's sleeping. She's gonna be so miffed that she missed seeing you now!" Spencer managed to sneak in a response before she could go on.

"Well, dearie, that's not a problem, is it! We're going to be here for a while now. There'll be more than enough time to spend together. I do have to confess, I have missed Diana greatly! Seeing her once in a while just doesn't seem to be enough, is it, hon?" Said Isla, looking at Hugh.

"Well of course! We keep worrying about the pair of you all the time! We just have to make sure now we'll have to visit more often, don't we"

"Yeah that's great dad! Wait what do you mean you'll be here for a while now? How long are you guys planning to stay? And more importantly - Why would you come here when I specifically told you that its dangerous? You have to careful guys! I mean seriously!" Spoke Hermione, as both she and Spencer led her parents to the drawing room.

There was worry and exasperation laced in her voice, clear for everyone in the room to hear. Sensing this, Hermione's mom spoke up.

"Well, last time we talked you said that Spencer was free and you were going to see him, so we booked the jet to fly us to DC. We weren't going stay all the way in London at a time like this. You're both being ridiculous now, love!"

"No no, don't argue with me right now," she continued as saw them both ready to rebut.

All this while, Hugh Granger observed that something was really troubling Spencer, and suggested to Hermione that they brew them all a pot of tea and figure out something to eat as well. Taking the hint, Hermione agreed and the pair of them moved away, giving Isla the opportunity to speak with Spencer alone.

Once they were alone, Mrs Granger turned to Spencer, and said, "And how are you dealing with all this, love? I imagine it feels a bit too much, does it?"

Just like he did with Hermione, he again tried to deny that he was anything but fine. And just like before, it didn't really work. Isla pointed out to him that she can see how much he is distressed, saying, "Even Hugh noticed it, Spencer. And he is not that observant, that man. No matter how much he believes he is. Look, you can lie to me that you're fine and I'll take the hint and we'll not address this. But that won't change the fact that you ARE upset, about something big, and you need to deal with that. You can't lie to yourself. So the choice here, is really whether you want to deal with this alone, or with the full support of those who care about you. You're a smart man, you've worked with the victims of heinous crimes for a long time. You KNOW what you would recommend to someone else who had gone through what you have."

As tired as he was feeling in that moment, Spencer smiled at her and said, "You know, your daughter was saying something quite close to this to me, just before you guys came in!"

"Well she's learned from the best. She listened to what I told her when she first came to get us from Australia, once their war was over. She was the same as you, always saying she is fine, she has no problems, she isn't traumatised. And no matter how much I urged her to get help, or to simply share her troubles with us, she wouldn't. And it affected her. It affected her ability to work, her physical and mental health, her relationships. And I jus- I just can't see you going through that again. I already saw my daughter suffer so much alone, and I saw how you suffered after your kidnapping some ten years ago, and I- I'm being selfish. I just can't see either of my children hurting alone anymore!"

The pain of Isla Granger somehow convinced Spencer Reid to share with her, all the doubts and self-loathing and horror that the has been experiencing, ever since he was released from prison. He told her how he is terrified of becoming this angry, violent person that he doesn't recognise, and how scared he is that he may have permanently lost that part of him, the best parts, that kept him going in his job. Everything came pouring out, from his grief over the death of Agent Walker, to the torture he went through when he thought Kat was pregnant with his baby, how much it hurt him when Prentiss said she needed someone she knows is real, never wanting any of his friends to have to go through something like that.

Most importantly, he told her of how he felt when Scratch died - how that moment of happiness and relief, albeit a brief one, scares him that he's turning into this twisted person, this monster that Kat said he was.

"I'm scared that the things that I've done mean that I can't go back. And I feel like although I had said to Katherine Adams that it is possible for me to get back to my normal life, I may not be able to."

"Oh Spencer! Of course there'll be changes in you. After what you've through? I'd be worries if you weren't different. Regarding what you say you've "done" in the prison and that interrogation room, now I'm gonna tell you something that I'm sure you've heard from your team members and my daughter before. You made a difficult choice in the prison, one you should've never had to make. And it wasn't really much of choice, if the options are A) do this B) die! You had to survive in that place - there were a LOT of people waiting for you to come out safe. You lost control of your temper and got aggressive in that room with that horrible woman. But after everything that she put you through, that she made your team and your mum and everyone that you care about and that care about you go through, aren't you supposed to get angry? The level of violation that your experienced in the last few months would make any person angry. How you've reacted shows not that you're a monster, Spencer. It shows that you're human. One who has been through an incredible trauma, one who is hurt. And so it is not "twisted" as you said that you've become. And you know HOW I know you're not a monster? Because you're sitting here, feeling so bad and horrified, losing your mind over your actions, even when aimed at someone who has done so much wrong and inflicted so much terror in your life. And because I know YOU."  
His eyes reflected how much he wanted to believe that. Mrs Granger could almost see him processing what she just said to him, going over every word. She finally asked another question that had been pressing on the mind for some time now.

"So do you have to go back to your job immediately now? Or will the bureau be giving your all some time off?"

Spencer told her of the team having been given a respite, adding, "I'm not reinstated yet. I- I'm on probation for now, and they'll decide on whether to reinstate me based on my evaluation after six weeks or so."

"Will you be provided any counselling by the bureau? It only makes sense, doesn't it?"

"Well, yeah, but I don't know if I—"

"Oh no honey, you take all the help you are provided, you hear me. Look, you already know you need to see someone to help you through this process. Just - if they are giving you the help, take it. And if you think you won't be too comfortable with whoever they assign you to, maybe you can seek someone outside the bureau? At least you wont have to worry about whether anything you say will is being reported to your boss, even in summarisations!"

"I, I guess that makes sense. I jus- I know rationally that I should do this. And I know if this were anyone else, and I was an agent on that case, I'd be suggesting therapy from the get go, but somehow I feel like I'm so overwhelmed that I can't think clearly or even breathe!"

"Oh, love!" Isla pulled Spencer into her arms, wanting to just keep him safe, knowing she couldn't. All she could do was be there for him, and she hated that this limit was there!

"You know that's why its all the more important for you to take these six weeks to really start dealing with what you've been through, and decide where YOU want to go from here, not what you think is expected from you."

She felt Spencer nod against her shoulder.

Hearing the end of their conversation, Hermione and her father entered the drawing room, with their almost tepid tea and some cookies, joining in the conversation.

"I want you to keep reminding yourself of something now Spencer," said Hugh Granger, "You're not alone in this. Not in this aftermath, and not in caring for Diana. We're all here, for you and for her. We're family, son. You just remember this now."

* * *

 ** _A/N:_**

 _I know this chapter may seem mostly Reid-centric, and not really their (Spencer and Hermione) relationship, but from the moment I had seen the Season 13 premiere, I knew I wanted to look at Reid's emotional response to EVERYTHING he has gone through this past season._

 _I also wanted to address the issue of mental health through this. We all joke about (or seriously worry about) how much shit the writers put Spencer through. I've always thought he must receive some form of therapy to deal with all this trauma, and even if just in the form of a story that I wrote, I feel better imagining he's getting the help he deserves. Getting psychotherapy doesn't mean that one becomes incapable of doing their job or living their life, but simply that they do so WHILE SIMULTANEOUSLY receiving the support and guidance on how to deal with issues that are a serious hurdle towards that goal._

 _On a more funny note, for some reason as I was writing the dialogues said by Mrs Granger, I kept imagining accents decidedly not from London (for instance, there was Southern American, Scottish, Irish) which seriously F-ed up with my dialogue writing. If any of you feel they seem very un-british, I hope you now understand why!_

 _That's it for now guys! More [hopefully] soon._


End file.
